Judging Me.

It''s been a while since I blogged. To say I've been neglecting this blog would be acceptable, but I doubt anyone ever read it anymore. I suppose I should be apologizing for what exactly I don't know but I just feel like I should tell. Ever since I stared school, again. I get so weird until people would scare the shit out of themselves. There are some ups & down in life, there are some high & low situation in life and there are also some emotions that could not be describe by words. Lately people are judging me for my misbehaviour. But you know what? Who are them to judge me? Who are them to hurt me against their words sharp like knives. Who are them to take me down? This is actually my life, this is what I enjoy to do with my life. If their life is so precious they would not even bother to get in my so called boring life. Stop judging me because you don't have the rights to do so. I am tired answering some question in life that I don't even know the answer. Such as ; How can I heal a cut so deep? How can  ever believe that there is someone for me out there? How can I be so dumb? How will the pain ever go away? 
I never have the time for myself and everytime I come back, everything just seemed to be wrong. Everything seems so useless and pointless. Like the presence of me coming back home is not welcomed by anyone. I never have the right amount of sleep and I've been restless for the past weeks. I always seem to be a failure in everyone's eyes; especially in my own eyes. A sadness that overwhelms me. Everytime I close my eyes I just feel so..... helpless. 
Everything is so jumbled up in my very fucked up mind. 

A short comeback.

Greetings, Hows life been treating you? I hope you're doing well as I am. I've been away for too long. I left everything behind to move on with life. I continue my studies, I even changed my personality, but the fact that I am sick is making me skinnier day by day. I've been lacking of time to go online and such & before I completely forgot, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the wrong things that I've done. I miss all of my friends, loved ones especially lisa and iman . 

Emotional despair

I just lost someone who don't even care for me. But he just lost someone who really care for him. I realize that I wasn't good enough, I am not what he was looking for. I've been crying myself out for the past few days, trying to convince myself that this is just a phase. But somehow it strikes me that this is not a phase, this is not a stage of a happy relationship. This is a breakup, this relationship is not going anywhere, it's over. I slept the whole day, praying to God "DON'T WAKE ME UP" because I'm afraid. I'm not ready to deal with tomorrow, I'm not ready for the future and I'm not ready for waking up and deal with the fact that I'm alone. But this is life. This is how it works. Nothing last forever but you can always hope for a better future. x

To the person I love.

It's sad being a bad luck to everyone, especially to the person that you love with all your heart. I've failed in so many ways and the only thing that I can say now is "Honey, you deserve better." You are the most remarkable person I ever met, the way you talk, the way you representing yourself, the way you rule this world like nobody else is just amazing. I might think that I know you well, but no one knows you better than yourself. You are the captain of your own aeroplane. Don't allow one person to tear you down or ruin your day, don't let the person you despise hurt you. You deserve better, you don't deserve to be treated this way, you don't deserve to wait for the wrong person, you don't deserve to give all your love to a moron like me. Holding on is being brave, but sometimes moving on makes you stronger. I hope when the right person arrives your whole changes up to be brighter than it will ever be. 

Biggest Fear

Truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared that you moved on. That you never want to look back. That you're going to keep on going, without me. I'm scared that you've already found someone new. She's prettier than me, She's all that you want, She makes you feel happier and she's not me :( Maybe you needed something new, someone new, a new girl, new change. But I'm not ready for that. I haven't moved on. I'm still here waiting for you to come back for me. I'm scared. I'm scared of losing you and the only reason why I'm scared is because I love you.

Maybe Someday.

I caught myself thinking about you today; everyday. Wondering where you are, what you're doing and who are you with right now. It hurts a lot not to be with you but I can live with that for now. I'm writing this to help you understand how I feel. I probably don't know all the right things to say, but my feeling and words are from the heart. 
The very idea of you provides a much needed break from pressure, dating, relationships and life. In the midst of it all, the thought of you comes and refreshes me. It makes me smile in spite of the situation and surroundings. I know this might sounds crazy, but I picture the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you're trying to crack a joke and even when it's not funny. We'd laugh our ass off about it anyway. I went out with some friends, but something is always seemed to be missing. I tried to enjoy myself, but the idea of you is always in my mind. It keeps me focus on track. Aware of who I am and what's important to me. Mentally dating you everyday makes me want to be with you even more. I'm thirst of your love. So I decided to wait for you ; in mind, body & soul. 
I don't usually talk or write like this, but my mind and heart is racing with anticipation. Because I love you, because I know you're there, because the very thought of you makes my pulse race, my palm sweat, my stomach flip like I'm on a roller coaster. I sounded like a love sick puppy and whenever I see you, All of a sudden I'm 13 again and again and again. And what better way to show that I've always loved you than saving myself for you- completely, and I hope you're doing the same. 
We were taught to expect instant gratification. We were told that we don't have to wait for anything. Too often we act on feelings or impulses, sacrificing the future by buying into lies that "There's someone perfect for you out there". But we all know that no one is perfect. We're humans, we make mistakes, God made us to screw things badly and learn how to fix things up. And this is me, fixing "our" relationship by letting you know how I feel. 


I'm waiting for you because I love you unconditionally and I need you to know that what matters to me is not what you have done or where have you been. It's where you're taking yourself. Maybe you did not realize I was there the whole time; maybe you don't even know whether I existed or maybe you thought that we had found each other, just to realize latter that what you had discovered is not true love. Real love is so different from infatuation or simple pleasure. It's not abusive or selfish or purely physical. Real love involves mutual respect, affection, equality & a shared spirituality. 
I apologize for the things that I've done. I've given you enough damage to your life, the emotional scars associated with broken relationships. I hope someday we will give to ourselves to one another completely, become bestfriends, soul mates. Someday.

Sugar, Spices & Everything Nice

All sweet remedies and recipes aren't always that good in real life, you have to face bitterness and add up a lil bit of sugar to taste the sweetness of life. As we live in this world, embrace the fact that life is not a hell to endure. Life is you, and everything you ever worried about. We are humans, we make mistakes, we fix and we move on. The key to succeed in life is keep moving forward, moving from past to another page of a whole new chapter. You can't go anywhere if you've been holding on to the same page, reading it all over again to make sure you did not screw up. But that is life.Life screw things up and things will not always be as the way you expected. 

Gambling hearts

I've been lying to myself, to everyone for the past few months. Pretending that my life was wonderful as fairytale when it's not. I've been holding on to grudges for a long time and maybe it's time to face it like a woman and be brave to let em go. I believe that things happened for a reason but, I am more interested in knowing what was the reason than being left all alone, feeling miserable and wondering what have I done. It sucks not knowing things. Not knowing what will happen in the future, what will effect our life, what will come and ruin everything around. But we all know that life is full of surprises and unexpected things and we all know that we have to be well prepared to survive. I've been loving this person with all my heart and I've been putting up hopes that he will never leave me alone. But you can't force people to stay with you forever, the only thing you can do is make them to love you as the way you are and pray for the best.  

Justify me.

As much as I love writing, I do poetry too. I have not post any of my opus here because I am a coward who is afraid of judgements and criticism. I may sounded cliche in my poem and I usually do not write them on a piece of paper. I never waste my time on "what to write" and pressuring myself to "think". It is what I  observe in my everyday life, at school, on the bus, train station & pretty much everywhere I go. I try to see people right through their walls; As if I'm the one who's been living their life, their love affairs, life at home.  I am inspired with people's appearance and somehow it amused me to know that there is so many things in life I have not discovered yet. x

March

Without even realizing, it's march. Think about everything we've been through, think about our moments, embrace the fact that  we don't have much time to enjoy our life. February has been the most tiring and sickening month for me, but I survived. No more escape, no more running away, no more lurking in the shadows of the past. Appreciate those time given cause you wouldn't want to be lacking of time enjoying yourself. Take a step ahead for getting everything you ever wanted in life instead of taking a step back in losing everything you had. 

Loving you, forever & always.

I'm falling for him over and over again. Just a thought that if we're in God's hand. We are on a safe track. May God bless us with our relationship and make me to have faith in love again. I may not be religious but I prayed for that. For "happy ending" the one that people claimed that it's real; Prince charming, live happily ever after, shits. craps. and etc.
Let the moment take us, just move freely like there's no string attached here and there. Just "Go with the flow". I am still me, but by having someone to share our moments together with is priceless. I let him easily came into my life and currently it's hard to let him go. He brings out the best in me and to put it in a sentence "He's just another blessing". 
It's quite daft if you ask me because last year I have swore to myself never to fall in love with anyone. In a way, it's a good thing because miraculously enough I am still able to feel 'love' or whatever towards a person again. Ugh, listen to me. I sounded like a lovesick puppy which is quite annoying. I'm sure it must be really annoying to my friends because I constantly talk about him. 
So my pathetic love life aside, x

Leap Year !

Greetings everyone. I've watched half of One Day and I think it's a great movie but they've ruined it. The book was better, it was 100 times better. But they cut out two chapters from the book and a lot of scenes which is so annoying because when I was watching it, I couldn't help cursing saying "What the fuck? The director didn't put that scene. This and that".
Well, in a few days I'll be having my physics test. I should really revise now but I am not motivated to do so. There are so many upcoming events that are happening to me right now. Well, not that many as if I was exaggerating there, but there are a few which I think it's important, and OH! I've completely forgot! It's leap year! Happy leap year everyone. x     

"Life is a hell to endure."

If you're brave enough to stay, you're strong enough to fall. Never complain if your days turned out to be terribly wrong. God planned everything well and who are you to underestimate him? I may not be religious but I'm trying my best to get to know him and feel his presence. I know he's there, looking at me, listening to my prayers. I need to change, to be a better muslim. "Words meant nothing if you don't take actions." I don't know how to react, how to respond, I need guidance to bright up my sorrow paths. I am lost, I know I sounded stupid for asking 'Hidayah' over the net instead of taking wudhu' and pray. 

I am blessed with soul, family, friends, sustenance and everything I ever wanted. I am grateful to be blessed, Thank you Allah. 

"A man with dreams cannot be denied".

Setting goals is not that easy as if you have to achieve them. Setting dreams and hopes are nothing less but hurting yourself with disappointment in the end. I've been busy for the past week and this week has been  the most loneliest week of the year. Due to our hectic schedule. Me and my boyfriend haven't keep in touch for the past week. I miss him a lot. I hope you're doing great in exams. 

Giving him space and time to study might be the best thing I should do now. Afterall, this is his final semester. I'm not capable to be responsible of someone else's failure.  x

Love escape

"What hurts the most is not losing someone that you love. It's losing yourself to the one that you love"

If someone can give me love, can promise me a love, I swear to that person, I would give it my all and my best to love him the same way as he does; I will try my best at everything and if you can promise me a love like that, I'll promise you that I would do the same.

     Lately, I've been thinking. Just to be clear who am I to you. I seemed quite lost in the moment. I've been feeling unsatisfied during my sleeping hours. Nevertheless my "sleeping hours" meant late. I woke up and felt tiresome due to some twisted dreams I'm having. "Unicorns with wings or a bucket of gold at the end of a rainbow" Its always been the ones with unanswered questions. When I try to fall asleep. I end up thinking about endless thoughts playing on my mind. Questions that need to be answered. I even wandered alone during the evening, sitting there at the corner just to think. Think about someone, think about something, think about some unnecessary things that I shouldn't be thinking about. I am desperate. I just need to feel loved. Alas, I know all of this is just a fairytale. "A walk through the beach? Having a candle light dinner? Having you in my arms?" All of this is just a wishful thinking. To gain happiness yo have to embrace the fact that whenever you're alone you don't have to suffer, you just have to deal with it. 

I miss Adrin so much. Can someone tell him that for me please? I really miss him. Just let him know that I've loved him for as long as we've known each other and that haven't changed one bit. Just someone let him know that and I'd be eternally grateful and happy.